||[Nov. 6th, 2004|05:15 pm]
|||||Everclear- Fire Maple Song||]|
I'm in a mood. I'm in such a fucking mood. I hate everyone. And I know, a couple of you hate me. I don't blame you. I can't say I'm sorry anymore, but what good will it do anyway? I was talking to my stepfather for a couple hours today. It's so wierd, because he hurt me more than anyone ever could, everyday, for many, many years, and all of a sudden, I'm on the phone with my brother, and "He" gets on, and we start talking, and everything comes out. I'm crying, and I told him about me and Tim, and the things I've done to my "friends" that hurt them, and how I feel that my life is going nowhere, and I'm having this complete mental breakdown on the phone with him, and before I knew it, hours had passed, and he'd talked me through a lot of issues. Of course, I didn't tell him the one thing that I've wanted to for years. "Hey, you stupid fuck, don't you realize that I'm like this because of you? You're the reason I can't have a real, stable, healthy relationship. You're the reason that I fuck all these people (OK, My # is 5, but still) And you're the reason that I've fucked all my friends over." From the time he married my mom,he treated me like I was nothing but a peice of ass, a worthless whore, and he always told me that no one would ever love me like he did. Well thank God for that, because I couldn't live through that again. I don't even know why I'm telling you all this, I mean most of you know the basics, but not the details. And I won't go too in depth, because that would be too much right now. I just wish I could have grown up without him in my life, I would be such a different person. Like, the "good me" watches me do all these stupid things, and sits back and shakes her head. God... I'm hungry. I gotta go. I'm sorry. Really, I'm so sorry... most of all, to you. You know who you are.